On the DC18...

We've all heard stories about how women inspire men to become great. Painters create priceless works of art. Wars are waged. Songs become classics and everyone knows the words. Heroes become legends. Stalkers receive restraining orders of epic diameters. All for the women they love. Well, girls don't seem to be interested in me presently, so I gotta rely on good ol' superficial pleasure to distract me from things that should really matter. And let me tell you, it's amazing.

I've had my eye on the Nikon D40, a new computer to throw on Linux, a 50" plasma with more contrast than Michael Jackson and Michael Jackson, a nice blazer to attract the ladies and inspire the stalker scribe in me, the Audi A3 sportback (the R8 would be nice too) in silver and a new pair of sneakers. So what did I buy? Let me introduce you to the Dyson DC18:

OMG, so awesome. And like all things awesome, Dyson has a story that I've copied and pasted from Wikipedia just like every junior high schooler is now doing.

"As a six-year-old, James Dyson had to help his mother with household chores. He noticed frequently as he vacuumed that he had to stop to clean out the sweeper. As with all vacuum cleaners, the bag got clogged and the vacuum lost suction."

See? This otherwise mundane activity ultimately inspired James Dyson to create the slickest line of vacuum cleaners in the world and eventually became knighted. Knighted! Not only that he, as a frickin' six-year old, knew what suction was. Eat your heart out, Oreck.

Continuing:

"A Dyson cyclone works by employing cyclonic separation, which spins air at high speed. Dirt and dust are thrown out of the airflow and collected in the bin, not on filters or in bags.

Cyclone technology works by building on dual cyclone technology. On top of the vacuum chamber, seven funnel-shaped channels were added that force air to travel in higher curvature cyclones than in the initial cyclone, creating higher centrifugal force, allowing smaller particles to be captured before the air is expelled."

Cyclonic separation. Centrifugal force. How could I not buy this vacuum? Why doesn't everyone have one? What the hell does a vacuum have to do with anything? So many questions in this world I'll never understand but simply searching for such answers is what makes life worth living. Thank you for showing me the path to enlightenment that never clogs, DC18.

It brings me a lot of happiness to appreciate aesthetic design. I mean, I could just look at this thing and simply smile. A proverbial boner, if you will. Likewise, I enjoy having a clean house, so if the advertising is true, this won't be a complete waste of money by my relative definition of "waste." Furthermore, I like to justify things in my head so I don't feel like such a tool who actually spent a fistful of bills on a vacuum. All I know is that I'm going to vacuum the hell out of the new place I'm moving into. Not only that, hell will be HEPA filtered and has a Quick Draw telescopic reach to watch out for.

...

Shit. I wonder if I'll regret this.

Nah.